4 Common Ways We Maintain Our Illusion of Control

 

Control. We all want it, but there never seems to be as much of it as we’d like. Being human means constantly navigating the dynamic reality that there are a few things within our control and many more things outside it. Striking an internal balance is important to our psychological functioning. If we have an overinflated sense of what we can control, we make ourselves more vulnerable to being taken off guard and emotionally crushed when things don’t go our way. But if we have an overinflated sense of what is outside our control, we lose our sense of agency. That makes it hard to have hope that our actions will make any impact. Getting stuck in either pitfall can be at best, unpleasant, and at worst, paralyzing. Cue the dazzling ability of the human brain to instinctively mitigate threats. 

 

There are 4 common personas that our brains activate automatically when we start to feel distress:

• The Fixer

This is the person that can’t stand to see their loved ones in pain so they try to eliminate the distress by removing its source. This is the friend who offers unsolicited solutions when what you really needed was an empathetic ear to commiserate about how hard your day was. Or the mom who has a hard time seeing her son struggle to read and jumps in with the right word before he has a chance to work it out himself.

• The Positive Thinker or Bypasser

This is the person who thinks that if they stay positive or pray hard enough things will get better. They downplay the pain or the struggle in the moment and focus only on what’s good about the situation or what good will come of it. For example, this is the person whose first instinct is to say “Everything happens for a reason,” after a friend shares that they are getting a divorce. This approach tries to remove the distress by minimizing how bad the pain really is. In psychological literature this is toxic positivity.

• The Blamer

This is the person that tries to increase the sense of control by finding someone to blame. They can blame themselves or others, but the thinking is that if it’s my fault then there’s something I can do to change it. If it’s outside my control, I just have to deal with it; and that’s a scary thought. For example, when a friend shares how they were sexually harassed at work, this is the person who says, “Well what were you wearing? If you had been more modest, he wouldn’t have noticed you like that.” 

 

• The Brain Flattener

Numbing, active avoidance, drugs, alcohol, sex, Social media digester, Going on tiktok, becoming one with the couch

 

Who is responsible for calling these personas to the front lines when distress looms? We have one particular part of our brain to thank: the amygdala.

 

Think of the amygdala like an alarm system. This is the part of our brain that senses danger and sounds the alarm. It’s like the smoke detector in your house. I don’t know about yours, but my smoke detector is extra sensitive. Anytime I have my oven set above 400 degrees, just opening the oven door sets the alarm off. The amygdala is like this too. It can’t tell the difference between smoke from a fire and smoke from an overcooked meal. It’s the amygdala’s job to sound the alarm if it senses anything remotely like danger. But it relies on the thinking part of our brain (the frontal lobe) to evaluate the danger signal and course-correct if it’s a false alarm. 

 

Feeling out of control or the threat of losing control is distressing. It’s a threat that trigger’s our amygdala’s alarm system. Our brain then automatically reacts with one or multiple of those 3 personas. They are really good at making us feel less distressed in the moment. Who wants to feel upset if it’s not necessary? As humans, we instinctively seek out pleasure and avoid pain as much as possible. These tactics are a product of the amygdala seeing all pain as threatening. But our thinking brain knows that sometimes it’s better for us in the long run if we endure a little pain initially. For example, if you fell on the pavement at all as a child, you know how painful a scraped knee can be. You probably protested when your dad wanted to clean the scrape and put a bandage on it because it made you feel more pain. But your dad knew that not cleaning out the dirt and gravel and germs could lead to an infection. So they taught you that feeling a little pain now will mean less pain in the long run. 

 

Same thing with our brain and distress tolerance. Fixing the problem might feel better now, but it means that when there is a problem that can’t be fixed, you won’t be equipped to tolerate how bad it feels. Focusing on the good in the situation might keep you from feeling out of control now, but it ignores the emotional scraped knee that needs tending. Blaming yourself for not doing enough to stop the problem might make you feel more capable of avoiding that problem the next time it pops up, but it also creates a lot of shame that can be just as debilitating as feeling out of control. Here’s where we need our thinking brain to step in when the fixer, the bypasser, or the blamer show up. We need that thinking brain to show us another way. 

 

The Empathetic Realist

This is the person that stares the reality of their distress in the face while remembering that they can handle it and it won’t always feel this way. They are firm but gentle. Tough but encouraging. Resilient. They might sound like this:

 

• I’m feeling stuck and helpless right now, and that’s ok. I can ride this wave of fear until it gets smaller.
• I’ve felt this way before, and I made it through. I can do it again.
• I feel so stuck and paralyzed, but I’m not alone. Telling a loved one about how I’m feeling will help me feel better.

 

Chances are you’ve probably channeled all 5 of these personas at some point. The first three in particular can pop up so quickly that you’re thinking like them before you even realize. That’s ok! That’s your amygdala kicking in your automatic defenses. Once you notice them, you have the opportunity to switch gears and channel the Empathetic Realist. The more you do this, the easier it will become. Eventually the Empathetic Realist may even replace the other three as your automatic response. If you want help working on this skill, ask your therapist for support. And if you don’t yet have a therapist, but you find yourself often being a fixer, bypasser, or blamer, consider therapy at the Couch Method. We’d love to help you handle your distress in a way that makes you stronger and happier. Thanks for reading!

 

Sometimes just having the insight in this process can be helpful in accessing empathic realist. But for some people, having coping skills and self-soothing strategies are an important part of the process to pull yourself out of that black-and-white amygdala state. Bodily strategies, mindfulness. Important to cater to each individual.