Do you ever find yourself confused by how your child can be so mature and insightful one moment and incapable of handling the smallest difficulty in the next? They may go from describing in detail the history of WWII that they learned in class that day to crying and throwing a tantrum when you ask them to unload the dishwasher. Your kids are constantly encountering new information and experiences that evoke strong emotional responses. For them it can feel like they are on an out of control roller coaster, which means for you, it can feel like whiplash. Kids require us to be flexible parents who are constantly on our toes and changing roles on a dime to match what they are needing moment to moment. This is tiring work! I’m feeling exhausted just thinking about it. It’s worthwhile, of course, and comes with the territory, but it’s still important that you get some credit for all the shifting and contorting you do on a daily basis.
Because these emotional needs fluctuate so quickly, it can be difficult to pinpoint which role your child is needing you to play at any given moment. It may seem like they need you to help them problem-solve when what they’re really needing is a relater to validate their emotions. Or you may think that they need a cheerleader encouraging them to do something on their own when what they really need is a joiner who will do it with them. If only there were some way to crack the code and read it right every time! While no such magical solution exists, psychology theory can give us a leg up in successfully reading our kids’ emotional cues and providing the right support at the right time. Let’s learn a little bit about Erik Erikson and his theory of psychosocial development.
Erikson’s theory has become a staple in the fields of psychology and education over the last century for its insight into the particular challenges that kids navigate at each age. At each stage of development kids are navigating a particular internal conflict related to the tasks common to that age. If that stage is navigated well, a kid will feel capable and confident in that aspect of life. If the stage is handled poorly, a kid will feel inadequate in that aspect of life. Let’s run briefly through the stages so you have a fuller picture.
Trust vs. Mistrust (0-18 months)
Babies’ worlds are pretty small. They don’t develop farsightedness until after they are born so they literally cannot see very far outside themselves. Their worlds include their own bodies and mom and dad’s arms, and that’s about it. What do babies do? They cry to communicate when they’re hungry, tired, or need a diaper change. So they are not going to be worried about whether they trust their own judgment. All a baby is concerned with is successfully attracting and sustaining the attention of mom and dad when they need something. The questions that best characterize the internal conflict of this stage are ,”Can I trust the world? Will others be there when I need them?” In order to answer, ”Yes!” to both questions, a baby needs both security and consistent access to food and affection. When parents consistently tend to their babies’ physical and emotional needs (soothing, affection), a baby is able to positively resolve that internal conflict and develop a sense of hope that the world is a generally safe and trustworthy place. If they don’t have adequate security and resources, they will learn to withdraw from the world in order to protect themselves.
Autonomy vs. Shame/Doubt (2-3 years)
At this age, kids can now walk and talk. They are gaining mastery over their bodies and their bodily functions, and learning how they are their own beings, separate from mom and dad. Potty training is a big focus of this age and is symbolic of their struggle to exercise will power and body-awareness successfully. The question kids are trying to answer at this stage is, “Can I do things on my own?” If a toddler continues to experience security (emotional and physical) along with a new encouragement from parents to be self-sufficient, he or she will be able to answer, “Yes!” to this question and develop a sense of willpower and determination. If a toddler doesn’t have sufficient encouragement to be self-sufficient or a sufficient sense of security (because they truly need a balance of both) they may struggle with impulsivity or compulsivity.
Initiative vs. Guilt (3-5 years)
Once they reach preschool age, kids’ worlds expand even more. They are more aware of their surroundings and of other relationships with siblings and friends. The questions they are wrestling with at this stage are, “Can I make decisions for myself? Do I know what I want?” At this stage, kids need encouragement, support, and guidance in self-direction. At 2 they were working on tending to their bodily needs that come up in daily life. Now at 3, 4, and 5 they are working on being active agents who choose which direction they want to go. “I want to put on my seat belt. I want to put on my shoes. I want you to give me a bath.” Kids are able to answer these questions affirmatively when they get that encouragement which gives them a sense of purpose. If they don’t have sufficient encouragement and guidance, they become inhibited and struggle to know what they want.
Industry vs. Inferiority (6-11 years)
At elementary school age, kids are all about mastering skills. They are constantly learning about new hobbies, interests, and activities and are now aware of how they perform compared to their peers. Competition becomes a big motivator or source of insecurity at this stage. This is also the time when kids make the shift from learning to read to reading to learn. Their world becomes a more complex and interesting place. It’s like shifting from black and white to seeing color. Their world becomes richer, and therefore, they are more motivated to participate in it. The questions kids are wrestling with are, “Am I good at things? Can I succeed?” In order to successfully navigate this stage, kids need reasonable expectations at school and at home as well as ample praise for their accomplishments. When they have those nurturing conditions, kids are able to develop a sense of confidence and competence. When expectations are unrealistic or their successes are not noticed, kids become passive and insecure about taking risks.
Identity vs. Role Confusion (12-18 years)
So many hormones. So many emotions. It’s hard to be a teenager. At this stage, a kid’s world has expanded to the point where peer relationships matter just as much if not more than family relationships (don’t take it personally). Negative attention from a peer can feel like the biggest rejection in the world. At this stage, kids are asking, “Who am I, and how do I fit in the world?” For the first time, they are looking beyond the aspects of themselves that were chosen for them and deciding whether or not they feel authentic. “My parents have always put me in piano lessons. Do I like piano, or have I just always done it?” or “My mom has always bought me preppy clothes, but I think I actually like vintage clothing better.” This is why it might seem like your teen is trying on identities like they’re outfits. It’s because that’s exactly what’s happening! They are trying out lots of different identities (big or small) to discover which ones fit and which ones don’t. To navigate this stage well and find a sense of authentic identity, kids need encouragement of self-exploration and unconditional love. If they get it, they develop what’s called fidelity. It means that they can find belonging in a group while also staying true to who they are. If they aren’t allowed to explore who they are, teens will develop a sense of repudiation. This means that they will choose to fit in at the expense of their own identity. This is why peer pressure is such a challenge to resist.
Understanding the Journey
Now, there is a common misconception that once your kid has “mastered” a skill or a stage of development, that they no longer need help in that area and they should be able to do it on their own. This is just not how learning works. We need lots of guided practice before we are fully able to do it on our own. Think of how you learned to drive a car. You probably first had a parent who let you steer from the passenger’s seat while they were driving. And then maybe a few years later, they let you drive the car on a dirt road or in a deserted parking lot. Then you got your permit and had to practice with a licensed driver in the car for a seeming eternity before you had enough hours to take your driver’s test and taste the sweet freedom of the open road on your own. There was a gradual handing over of responsibility one step at a time. And it’s not linear. It’s the same with parenting. The goal is to have raised your kids in such a way that they are prepared with the skills and the knowledge they need to be successful and independent adults. You start out by doing everything for them, and slowly hand over responsibility after responsibility, role after role, until for the most part they can handle it for themselves.
It’s also important to remember that it’s not necessarily a linear process. A kid doesn’t magically stop asking, “Am I good at things?” when they turn 12. They continue to ask that at points throughout their lives. It just stops being the central focus at the forefront of their minds after they complete that stage. Here’s another analogy that may help explain this. Think about it like a video game. (I’m going to go with Super Mario Bros. for the sake of the analogy, but go with whatever video game you like.) As you may well know, Super Mario Bros. (we’re talking the Nintendo 64 version from the 90s here) invites you into a 3D world in which you explore all the hidden rooms of a giant castle in order to save Princess Peach from the dastardly Bowser. You quickly discover that all of the doors have a star with a number on it indicating the number of stars you need in order to unlock the door and enter a new world. You must start on the first floor with the door that has no entrance fee and defeat the villains in that room to earn your first stars. Then as you accumulate more and more stars, more and more doors are open to you. Once a door is unlocked, you can enter and exit freely. You can even revisit after you’ve won all available stars in that room. But chances are, once you’ve mastered that room, you’ll spend more of your time in the newer rooms you haven’t yet mastered. This is a great analogy for how the stages of development work. You’re starting from ground zero in terms of ability to function in the world, and as you get stronger and smarter, you discover more and more parts of yourself and of the world. In each stage, you work on mastering a specific set of tasks. Once you’ve mastered them, you don’t stop working on them, but they’re no longer the focus. Think of each developmental stage as one of the rooms in a castle. When your child is in that room they need a certain type of support from you and once they wander out of that room and into another, they may need you to follow them and switch to a different type of support.
Now that you have a framework for understanding what your child is wrestling with, check out part 2 of this post to apply it. We will look more closely at the specific parental roles each “room” requires and how to tell what room your child might be in at any given moment. Remember, you are a good parent. Your kid doesn’t need you to be perfect. Your best tool is you. Be compassionate, encouraging, flexible, and soothing to yourself, and it will rub off on your kids.
Sources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556096/