How does knowing about Erikson’s theory help me day to day in parenting my kids? Knowing what challenges your kids are facing makes it so much easier to know what they’re needing from you. For easy reference of Erikson’s stages, see the chart below. In today’s post, we will be focusing on the “Parental Roles” column. Think back to my video game analogy, and let’s get more familiar with what your child needs from you in each room of their castle.
The Trust vs. Mistrust Room
This is the first room that your children enter, and it lays the foundation for all the others after it. Since here, they rely completely on you to protect them and to tend to their needs, you may find yourself switching frequently between these roles:
Caregiver: This is the practical role of meeting their physical needs. Feeding, burping, changing diapers, bathing, putting to sleep, etc. Providing for them in this way makes them feel safe and protected.
Soother: When your baby gets scared by a loud noise or gets angry after you leave them with a babysitter while you run a quick errand, they need help containing their emotions. When you soothe them with cuddles, hugs, gentle words, and kisses, you are teaching their overwhelmed nervous systems that whatever is bothering them is not too big to handle. This helps them learn to soothe themselves rather than repress or ignore their emotions.
Relater: Not only does your child depend on you to meet their physical needs, they have relational and emotional needs that are just as critical. When you smile and talk to them in a cooing voice, play peekaboo, or clap for them when they say their first word, you teach them that they matter and are worthy of love.
The Autonomy vs. Shame/Doubt Room
Now they’ve made it to the room of learning willpower and determination. They still need you to be Caregiver, Soother, and Relater often, but those are now mapped terrain. This new room is uncharted territory and so they need your support in new ways in addition to the old ways. In this room, you may find yourself switching frequently between these roles:
Cheerleader: This is the age when they are first able to start doing things on their own without as much help from you. When you cheer them on and encourage them to do things on their own that are within their reach, they learn to hope for what is possible. They learn to take healthy risks and are not defeated when they fail.
Teacher/Joiner: Learning a new skill like using the bathroom or putting on shoes requires someone to show you how first. When you patiently and repeatedly show your child how to do something new, he learns that he is smart and capable of learning. He learns that if he just keeps at it, eventually he can get it. “We do it together. I show you, I help you, then you do it.”
Boundary Holder: This age is all about differentiating from mom and dad in new ways and distinguishing between self and other. When you are able to manage your own impatience, irritation, or worry to let your child have their own responses and reactions, you teach them that it’s ok to be separate from you. Warning: This is easier said than done. The real-life scenario is that your toddler has just done something stubborn, and you’re going toe to toe with them. This is the first time your kid is saying, “I have a difference of opinion.” We can’t underestimate how difficult this is as a parent. You were used to calling all the shots with no push back. But when you can honor their sense of power in appropriate situations without getting angry at them, you teach them that they can be separate while still being close.
The Initiative vs. Guilt Room
Since this room is all about your child discovering her own voice, her needs, and her preferences, the roles you play here focus on a balance between following your child’s lead and leading your child. These are the roles you may find yourself switching between:
Playmate: Play is your child’s language. When you get down on her level and play house with her, play the games she wants to play, and invent ways to make everyday tasks more fun, you are showing your child that what she has to say is important. And by following her lead sometimes, you are teaching her that she has good ideas, and that she doesn’t have to choose between keeping people happy and doing what interests her.
Listener: This is the playmate in a different form. When your child is upset and starts crying or throwing a tantrum, listening to what his words and body are telling you lets him know that his emotions and needs matter. Validating how he feels before correcting his behavior or solving his problem teaches him that it’s ok to feel how he feels.
Guide: At this age, your child is busy deciphering the sounds of his own inner voice and may need some help in distinguishing it from background noise. Making an open-ended decision might feel too overwhelming, but when you give him choices between two defined options, he learns that he is able to choose good things. You are putting the curbs in place while allowing him to ride freely within those boundaries. Depending on your child’s particular personality, some guides will need to be more tender, and some will have to be more containing and firm.
The Industry vs. Inferiority Room
This is the age when kids are focused on learning and mastering new skills. The roles in this room have a similar focus to the Guide from the previous room. Kids need the right balance between challenge and attainability. The following roles must always be linked to ensure the proper balance:
Coach: Coaches are all about seeing our potential and pushing us farther than we thought we could go. When you challenge your child in a loving way towards something in their reach, you teach them that they are resilient, resourceful, and capable of doing hard things. When you allow them to struggle yet remain close by, you teach them that some things will take hard work. Sometimes coaches are more vocal. Sometimes all a coach needs to do is be present or give an encouraging nod. Your technique as a coach will depend on your child’s personality. (For a great example of the silently encouraging coach, read the children’s book The Rabbit Listened. Especially for goal-oriented, internally driven kids, this can be a great approach.)
Encourager:
This is an important complementary role to the Coach. When you praise your child for using her words instead of hitting a classmate or for studying hard for an upcoming test, you show her that you see her hard work and you remind her that it paid off. When you praise her effort even when she fails, you show her that effort always matters regardless of the outcome, and that we don’t always get it right the first time.
The Identity vs. Role Confusion Room
This is an age where your kid’s behavior might feel eerily similar to a toddler’s. That’s because, like a toddler, they are experiencing a lot more emotional dysregulation than their system has learned to handle yet. But worse than a toddler, they now have bravado. And they often think they don’t need your help but secretly want it. Some of the old favorites like Nurturer, Relater, and Listener will be go-tos in this room for that reason. And there will be some new roles to throw into the mix:
#1 Fan: As we discussed in the previous post, this is a time where your child is unsure of who he is. He’s trying on a lot of different hobbies, interests, and ways of expressing himself. When you show up to the things he’s involved in, support the choices he’s making (assuming they are not harmful), and remind him of all his good traits and qualities, you teach him that he is already known and loved for who he is even if he’s still finding himself. And you teach him that you’re in his corner no matter how far away he wanders. Spoiler alert: your child will have interests that are different from you, and that you might find weird. Find ways to authentically support their hobbies and notice your own distress/discomfort as they differentiate from you.
Role Model: A huge part of finding yourself is seeing yourself in others and envisioning what life can look like through their eyes. This is why role models are so important at this age. When you are honest about your mess-ups and model how to make amends, when you model a compassionate narrative about your body, and when you persevere in the face of failure, you show your kid in a powerful way what living with authenticity and integrity looks like. And you show them that if you can do it, it’s possible for them to get there too. This coregulation is often the best form of conflict resolution. When you start to feel upset, narrate out loud what you are feeling and what you are doing to help yourself regulate. “I’m starting to feel upset after you yelled at me. I’m going to take a few deep breaths to help calm down. You can join me if you want. Now I’m feeling a bit calmer. Can you say what you said again in a kinder way?” Try it and see your kid’s reaction. It may surprise you how quickly it can diffuse the situation.
Age |
Erikson’s Stage(Inner Conflict) |
Internal Question |
Psycho- social Skill Set |
Outcome of Successful Resolution |
Outcome of Unsuccessful Resolution |
Required Support |
Parental Roles |
| 0-18 mos | Trust vs. Mistrust | Can I trust the world? Will others be there when I need them? |
To get, to give in return | Hope | Withdrawal | Security & Consistency of affection and food |
Caregiver, Nurturer, Relater, Problem Solver |
| 2-3 yrs | Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt | Can I do things on my own? | To hold on, to let go | Willpower/Determination | Impulsivity/Compulsion | Security & encouragement of self-sufficiency | Cheerleader, Teacher/Joiner, Boundary Holder |
| 3-5 yrs | Initiative vs. Guilt | Can I make decisions for myself? Can I assert control over my surroundings? |
To go after, to play | Purpose | Inhibition | Encouragement, support, and guidance in self-direction | Playmate, Listener, Guide |
| 6-11 yrs | Industry vs. Inferiority | Am I good at things? Can I succeed? |
To complete, to make things together | ConfidenceCompetence | Passivity | Reasonable expectations at school/home and praise for accomplishments | Coach, Encourager |
| 12-18 yrs | Identity vs. Role Confusion | Who am I and how do I fit in the world? | To be oneself, to share oneself | Fidelity (Belonging + Autonomy) | Repudiation (Fitting in at the expense of identity) | Encouragement of self-exploration and unconditional love | Listener, Nurturer, # 1 Fan, Role Model |
Use this framework as a helpful reflection tool in your own parenting.
- Which roles come more naturally to you? Which are more difficult?
- Which roles do you enjoy?
- Which role does your child need most often from you?
Check out Part 3 of this series to explore more about the signs to look out for in deciphering which room your child might be in at any given point. For now, remember that parenting is hard. You are doing a good job. Be kind to yourself and it will rub off on your kids.
Sources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/erik-eriksons-stages-of-psychosocial-development-2795740
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556096/