So now what? How do I actually apply all of this knowledge about my child’s stage of development when she’s being stubborn or having a meltdown? In the last installment of this series, I’ll walk you through the steps of how to be flexible in those moments when you find yourself clashing with your children. You can use them as guideposts to orient yourself in the bewildering terrain of their dysregulation. Being flexible when your child is not can be very challenging. And there is a very good reason for that. It’s not because you’re a bad parent, or because they are problem children. It has to do with the way our brains are wired.
We have a very effective threat response system that is tied to our autonomic nervous system (this is the system responsible for all of our automatic bodily functions we don’t have to think about like breathing, digestion, blinking, etc.) This means that our body gets bumped from a regulated state to a dysregulated state automatically. We don’t usually have a choice in the matter. This is actually an excellent thing for us and our survival. If we had to go at the pace of our thinking brain to decide that something was dangerous, we would lose precious seconds to run away, fight back, or stop in our tracks. Those few seconds could be the difference between life and death. That’s why our brain prioritizes which parts of our brain and body get our limited supply of energy. It decides to take the parts of our brain that have the ability to rationalize and problem-solve offline because the most pressing matter is to get away from the danger. We need the intelligence of our bodies’ reflexes and instincts to take center stage until the immediate threat is neutralized.
This mechanism is useful in matters of life and death, but it can often get in the way of daily life. Life threatening situations aren’t the only things that can trigger our threat response system. It turns out, the distress or dysregulation of someone we love is enough to dysregulate us. This is why, when your toddler throws his popsicle at you when you tell him he can only have one, your first instinct is to get angry. You may even want to yell or be harsh in reprimanding him. While I don’t recommend acting on that anger, the anger itself is a very natural and understandable reaction. It’s your threat response system kicking in. However, what you really need access to in that moment is your thinking brain. It’s your thinking brain that will help you stay rational and problem-solve the situation so that you can teach your child how to handle his frustration in an effective way. In order to get your thinking brain back online, you need to bring yourself back to a regulated state of calm and safety. When your system is regulated and there is an absence of threats to safety, you are able to think clearly, connect freely with others, and feel a sense of well-being.
Steps for Being a Flexible Parent
Consider the steps below as helpful guideposts for navigating your child’s dysregulation flexibly. They will require some creativity in application depending on your personality and your kid’s personality and age.
Step 1: Regulate Yourself
Do what you need to do to help yourself calm down and feel less out of control. Here are some common ways to ground yourself when you notice that you’re dysregulated:
- Deep Breathing: Breathing deeply through your belly (diaphragmatic breathing) activates the Vagus nerve which is our bodies’ brake for the threat response system. Slowing down and deepening your breathing into your belly presses on that nerve and tells your body to start calming down. Sometimes even a few breaths can have drastic calming results. There are lots of ways to do this: 4-4-8 breathing, box breathing, breathing in while repeating a calming phrase, or simply just being more aware of your breathing.
- Even Though Statements: This can be a quick and easy way to internally self-soothe, or you can even say it out loud to model for your children. It’s the practice of holding two contrasting things in your mind at the same time, holding both the negative and the positive without negating either. Start by saying “Even though…” and fill in the blank with whatever is overwhelming, frightening, or frustrating in the moment. “Even though I’m infuriated right now….” “Even though I feel so disrespected by her attitude…” Even though I just want to crawl into bed instead of dealing with this…” Then you finish your sentence with something true and encouraging. No room for platitudes here. It has to be something true or your threat response system will have a hard time shutting off. “Even though I’m infuriated right now, I can take some deep breaths to calm down.” “Even though I feel so disrespected by her attitude, I can recognize that she is still learning to express her frustration, and I can calmly redirect her.” “Even though I just want to crawl into bed instead of dealing with this, I am strong, and I know what to do to calm down.”
- Narration: There is something grounding and containing about acknowledging the reality of your experience. “Right now I can tell I’m getting too angry to have a calm conversation. My head feels pressure and there’s a burning in my stomach. I’m going to take a few deep breaths and bounce on this ball for a minute to help calm my body down.” This is a great one to say out loud in front of your kids. You can even invite them to join in the coping strategy with you. You’ll both feel calmer, and you will have modeled what they can do when they feel overwhelmed. Win, win!
- Sensory Input: When our bodies feel out of control, providing physical input can help us feel more contained and secure. The type of sensory input that will feel good depends on the situation and on your sensory profile. Some people need deep pressure like squeezing their arms and legs or laying under a weighted blanket. Others need movement like bouncing on a ball, or running around. Still others need gentle touch like placing a hand on your chest or stomach or a gentle back scratch.
- Affirmations: When we are dysregulated we often feel powerless and out of control. There is an underlying sense of not being able to handle the situation. Adding in affirmations of your strengths, abilities, and worth can provide a helpful counteraction to those negative thoughts. “I am ok.” “I am a good parent.” “I can handle this.” “It’s ok that I’m upset. I’m human.”
Step 2: Assess Your Child’s State of Emotional Regulation
Here are three common ways that dysregulation can manifest in your children. Look out for these signs:
- Fight Mode: This is the kid who is explosive and reactive. They externalize their distress, and they go on the attack to protect themselves. They can either go on the attack towards others, towards themselves, or both. They might throw something at you after being told no, rip up their paper after making a mistake, bang their head against the wall out of frustration, or start yelling over you when they don’t want to hear you. They can be hotheaded and lack impulse control, or they can be more rigid and lack frustration tolerance.
- Flight Mode: This is the kid whose first instinct is to run away or avoid the problem. They might change the subject when you ask them what’s bothering them. They might physically get up and leave when you’re trying to explain something to them. These signs are often more subtle than fight mode and can be easily overlooked. It can be hard to tell whether a child is changing the subject because they got distracted by a new idea or because they feel uncomfortable. Look at their body language as well. Kids in flight mode can be more tense and have a hard time calming down or being redirected to the task at hand.
- Freeze/Collapse Mode: This is the kid who becomes quiet and unresponsive when you ask them what’s bothering them. They internalize their distress and have a hard time expressing it or making bids for connection and coregulation. They revert to shutting down and need a lot of gentle presence in order to regulate. Narration and sensory input can be especially helpful for these kids.
Step 3: Coregulate Your Child
Your child needs your regulated energy in order to start feeling calmer themselves. And they need your help in walking through the process of self-regulation. When they are dysregulated they are in the Trust vs. Mistrust room and they revert back to the strategies of a baby: get mom and dad’s attention so we can get some soothing. Often, the things that help regulate you will also help regulate your child. This step might even happen simultaneously to Step 1. Here’s how some of those coping strategies might be adapted for younger ages:
- Deep Breathing: Belly breathing, bubble breathing, bear stretches (Stretch your arms to the sky like a great big bear on the inhale, roar and lower your hands to touch the floor, walk out your hands on the inhale, and walk back your hands and straighten up on the exhale), Smell the flower/Blow out the candle
- Physical Movement: punch a pillow, bounce on a ball, do push ups, run up and down the stairs, do heavy work, do spaghetti body
- Deep Pressure: Put them under a weighted blanket, squeeze up and down their arms and legs, wrap them in a big hug, have them hold heavy books in their laps, use a body sock
- Narration: The same way you would narrate your own emotions and sensations, narrate what you observe about your child’s emotions and sensations. “Your body is showing me that you feel upset. Let’s pause and take some deep breaths to help your body feel calmer. Would you like to use the weighted blanket while we breathe?”
- Even though statements: Have your child repeat after you while continue to do deep breathing or while doing some other form of sensory input. “Even though I feel upset right now, I can take a break and help my body feel calmer.”
Step 4: Assess the Source of the Dysregulation
Once you both are calmer, now you can more accurately assess why your child might be feeling dysregulated. Involve your child in an age appropriate way. Some nervous systems will have a hard time even addressing and acknowledging that they got upset and will need you to do some educated guessing or narrating. Others will be able to tell you what upset them. Refer back to the chart in Part 2 of this series to help pinpoint likely sources of distress. Did your 8-yr-old rip up his paper when he made a mistake on his math homework? It might be that he feels incompetent because the internal or external pressure to get it right is too high. Or he might be needing some more acknowledgement of the things he’s doing right to handle the frustration of making a mistake. Knowing which room of the castle they’re in at that moment will help you know which role they need from you.
Step 5: Problem-Solve
Once you’ve pinpointed the source of the distress, you’ll have a clearer idea of what role your child needs you to fill in that moment. In the example from step 4, your son might need you to be the Encourager who reminds him of the five other math problems that he completed successfully. He might need you to be the coach who helps him reframe making a mistake as an important part of improving. Or he might need the coach who recognizes that the full problem feels too overwhelming and breaks it up into smaller, more manageable parts.
Step 6: Praise Your Child for Successfully Regulating and Communicating with You and Correct Any Ineffective Behaviors
As we well know from the Industry vs. Inferiority stage, an important part of the learning process for your child is recognizing and celebrating the wins. This is important for every age, not just 6-11 yr-olds. Once you’ve coregulated and found a workable solution, praise your child for doing the hard work of regulating and persevering in the face of difficulty. Praise them for telling you (even if only through their body language) that they were upset so that they could get the help they needed. And provide them with alternatives if the way they got your attention was not desired behavior. “I’m so glad you told me that you were feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. When you let me know, I’m able to help you.” “Thank you for showing me you were upset. When we are upset, we don’t throw things at people. They can get hurt. Next time you’re upset, say, ‘Mommy, I’m upset.’”
This is just the beginning of learning to parent more flexibly, but it’s a great place to start. If you’d like more support in putting this into practice, you can talk to your child’s healthcare provider or talk to your own therapist. They can help you strategize how to respond flexibly in a way that’s tailored to your child. If you don’t yet have a therapist, or if you feel overwhelmed by how often your child gets dysregulated, we would like to help! We have mental health therapists and occupational therapists who specialize in these exact issues. They are eager to walk alongside you and your kids. Reach out to us today to set up an appointment!