Narcissistic Abuse Part 3
I Finally Know That I’m in a Narcissistic Relationship. Now What?
Being in a close relationship with a narcissist can take a toll on your mental health, your physical health, your spiritual health, and can even endanger your life. Whether they are your parent, your sibling, your partner, your boss, or your religious leader, narcissists have a way of infiltrating your defenses that makes it extremely difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. Slowly but surely, they invade your territory, until they’ve completely absorbed you. (For more on this, see parts 1 and 2 of this series.) Depending on the degree or type of narcissism, the best course of action may be to cut out the narcissist in your life completely. (See this video to learn more about the types of narcissism.) However, getting free of a narcissist’s abusive control is not easy, and in some cases, not practical. Even if you do decide to cut them out, the process of deciding and acting on that decision can take months or years. So wherever you find yourself on that journey, once you know that you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, it’s important to know how to start taking your life back. Bit by bit.**
Learning how to reclaim your life from the hands of a narcissist takes a bit of reverse engineering. If the narcissist’s initial tactic was to cut you off from your support network and erase your sense of self, the path towards escape is in the opposite direction. The key is to differentiate yourself and rediscover who you are apart from the narcissist (identify and take back each individual part of self, until you’ve reclaimed all the parts of you that he took). If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse for a while now, you might be wondering where to start. What does differentiating even look like? Here are a few tips:
Reality testing
You’ll remember from the last post how a narcissist uses all sorts of tactics like gaslighting, isolation, and love bombing to rob you of your reality and replace it with his. This reality in which he can do no wrong and in which everything is your fault becomes all-encompassing. This is where reality testing comes in handy. It is important to ask questions. Don’t take the narcissist’s interpretation of the situation at face value. Check in with your body. Are your muscles tense? Do you have a pit in your stomach? Check in with your emotions. Do you feel any sliver of doubt or discomfort? Do you have a foreboding sense that something isn’t right? Check in with your mind. Do you feel foggy or frozen? Are you beating yourself up and questioning only yourself? Taking a second to step back and reflect on these questions can help you catch the warning signs as they are happening. Another great way to reality test is to relay your encounter with your narcissistic loved one to people you trust outside his sphere of control. Watch their reaction. Are they outraged and indignant on your behalf? Are they stunned or confused by the narcissist’s treatment of you? Having their input can be a great way to snap yourself out of the disorienting fog. When you can’t trust your own judgment, trust someone who has your best interests at heart, not their own.
(Re)develop Your Network of Supportive Relationships
Chances are, in her quest for power and control, the narcissist has isolated you from your friends and family. You may feel distant from them and miss the time when you talked more. You may even worry that your family might hate you after you cut them out of your life like that. Those are all normal emotions and worries. Feel them, but don’t let them keep you separated from your family any longer. Your separation only empowers the narcissist even more. As embarrassing or worrisome as it might be, reach out to your friends and family. You need their support to get through it. And if they are the loving and supportive people I think they are, they will welcome you with open arms. Another possibility is that your relationship with family and friends were rough or nonexistent to begin with and it may not be an option to reconnect with them. It’s still important to find your supportive community. Put yourself in situations where you have access to new peers and support.
Go to Therapy
I may be biased, but GO TO THERAPY! What you’ve been through has wreaked havoc on your mind, body, and soul. Therapists are important in this process for a whole host of reasons. They can be a safe and grounding space for you. A therapist can be another source of reality testing and can help you heal mentally, emotionally, and relationally from your narcissistic abuse. Being with a narcissist can shift our reality on what normal relating can look like. A good therapist can provide education on narcissism, encourage you to get new peer support, and be a training ground for what healthy relationships with effective boundaries and feedback look like and feel like in real time [between you and therapist].
Set Boundaries
Remember how narcissists like to be in control and call all the shots? When they get to do so, they ignore your wants and needs in favor of their own until you learn to do the same. Get reacquainted with what you need. What things are ok and not ok for the narcissist to do? Pay attention to your anger. It usually pops up when our boundaries are being crossed. What happened that made you angry, and what needs to happen differently next time? Some common boundaries that might need to be reestablished: not engaging with the narcissist when they are in a fit of anger, time with other friends and family, more autonomy and decision making within the relationship, more alone time, time apart when the narcissist uses manipulation tactics.
Reclaim Your Narrative
After your sense of reality and control has been hijacked, it can be like waking up from a dream or emerging from a fog. There will be a lot of experiences with the narcissist that you will have to revisit and reinterpret. Where you once thought you were the problem, you will have to identify the narcissist’s manipulation tactics. Where you once thought they were so romantic and attentive, you will have to name the ways they preyed on your emotions to exploit you. When a narcissist abuses you, they take and take and take. They take your sense of self, your self-confidence, your sense of control and capability, your joy, and your purpose. Now that you’ve woken up, you get to take it all back. Word by word. Line by line. Chapter by chapter. It’s your narrative. Reclaim it.
If you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, I want you to know that you are not alone. Escaping a narcissist can be terrifying. To paraphrase my favorite children’s book about anxiety, fear and courage go together. When you feel afraid, it means that you’re about to do something really brave. Know that whatever ways you choose to take back your power, you are courageous. And when your courage falters, remember why you’re doing it: for a happier life, for your future self, for your kids, for your family, for _________. If you’re looking for support in this journey, consider weekly therapy sessions. At the Couch Method, we specialize in personality disorders and can help you meet your mental health goals. I hope this post empowers you. Go be brave!
**If the narcissist in your life has threatened your safety or has a history of violence, it is important to remove yourself in a safe way. Call, text, or chat the National Domestic Violence hotline. A trained advocate will walk you through your options and connect you with the resources you need. Also, you can make a report directly with the police. In cases of emergency call 911.