In a previous post, I explained that the second step to successful ADHD treatment is for parents to tap into their more compassionate side. Today we are going to talk a little bit more about what that looks like. Compassion has this trickle-down effect. The more you have for yourself, the more you’ll have for your child when they need a lot of attention and support from you.
Everybody has a compassionate side, but we all have those moments when it’s extremely difficult to find it. It might be when you’ve had a long day, you’re irritable and exhausted, and you’re redirecting your kids for the umpteenth time to get ready for bed. It might be when your child sees the kids in his class as bullies, but doesn’t understand how his actions contributed to the conflict. It may be when you know your child is capable of getting all A’s but they don’t maximize their potential because they don’t even try to complete their homework. Your compassion runs out when your patience does. And who can blame you? You’re only human; you’re not a bottomless well of compassion and magnanimity. You’re going to have your moments of exasperation and that’s ok. You have your limits too, and it’s important that you get the time and space you need to recharge and re-energize. Those limits often exist when your child’s behavior touches on your value system. For example, maybe you were a rule follower growing up, and you’re used to conducting yourself in public in a calm and appropriate way. So when your child starts tearing through the room, bouncing off the walls, and touching everything in sight, it’s going to be harder for you to stay calm and separate your child’s behavior from how it makes you look. This is why we want to better understand what keeps you from finding your compassionate side in those moments of exasperation: so that you’re more likely to stay grounded and help ground your child.
I want you to imagine for a minute that inside your brain there is a living room. Living rooms are a place where families gather, and yours is no different. Inside your living room there are a cast of characters that all represent different parts of you. Your living room may have your adventurous, fun-loving part, your responsible part, your compassionate part, or any other part of you that you can think of. Your various parts don’t always stay in the living room. Sometimes they withdraw to the other rooms of the house when they’re not needed. For example, when you need to get that report written for work before the deadline, your adventurous part is probably taking a break while your responsible and professional parts take over the living room. This is a good thing because the responsible and professional parts are the best-suited to accomplish the work task. Your cast of characters is operating as it should. But sometimes certain parts of you come out and take over at a time when their presence actually gets in the way of what you’re trying to do. Enter the Inner Critic.
Everybody has one. It’s that mean girl voice that tries to whip you into shape by tearing you down, and it tends to take over when you feel overwhelmed or out of control. When the situation at hand is more than you can cope with, you’re on your last nerve and your wit’s end, the inner critic comes out to try to protect you. It’s trying to keep you from drowning but unfortunately, it often ends up making the situation worse. Surprise, surprise, getting berated makes you feel less in control, not more. It’s trying to help, but it has a misguided approach. The antidote is compassion, but that can be really hard to access since your Critic likes to banish it from the living room.
So what does this have to do with parenting your child with ADHD? Kids with ADHD struggle with emotional regulation, staying on task, following multi-step directions, and other executive functions. They also tend to have a really big inner critic. Their emotional age tends to be 2-3 years younger than their chronological age. They become dysregulated more easily and providing a containing space for them takes a lot of patience. All of these factors can tax your energy and bring you to the point of overwhelm more easily. That means that your Inner Critic has ample opportunity to come out and start disparaging you or your child or both in succession. There’s a challenging duality to managing your own self-blame as well as your anger at your child for not meeting an expectation. Your job is to notice when your Critic is there and to replace it’s negative talk with more positive and compassionate talk. Compassion and positivity doesn’t have to happen at the expense of boundaries and expectations. Quite the contrary- compassion allows you to reinforce a boundary in a way that your child will respond to. Here are some examples of what that might sound like:
- Inner Critic: She’s acting like a baby because I’ve failed as a parent. Compassionate Voice: I’m frustrated that she’s not acting as maturely as I’d like her to. But it’s not a reflection on my parenting skills. She’s just having a moment like we all do.
- Inner Critic: It’s my fault she has ADHD. She inherited it from me. Compassionate Voice: Woah! ADHD isn’t some kind of modern-day leprosy. It comes with its fair share of challenges, but it comes with some benefits too. It’s always been my job to teach her how to navigate the challenges that life has to offer, and this is no different. We’ll figure it out together. Every child inherits a combination of good and bad from their parents. There’s no escaping it. It’s not fair to punish myself for something I have no control over.
- Inner Critic: I’m not doing enough to help my kid. Compassionate Voice: This is hard and I’m doing my best. I’m going to cut myself some slack and give myself permission to not have it all figured out right away. I’m still learning, and that’s ok.
- Inner Critic: I’ve tried everything, and nothing I do seems to help. It’s never going to get any easier. Compassionate Voice: I’m at my limit right now and feeling discouraged. Even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, I know this feeling can’t last forever. It’s not always easy to see the progress, but I do know we’re not in the same place we were last year. I’ve got to remember the positives as well as the negatives or my view will be skewed.
- Inner Critic: I’m a terrible parent for yelling at my child. Compassionate Voice: I made a mistake. I’m human and I’m not going to get it right every time. But I can always repair it with my child after and model what it looks like to take ownership of your mistakes.
- Inner Critic: No one is going to want to be her friend. She’s too immature. Compassionate Voice: She’s feeling overwhelmed right now and acting much younger than her age. If I stay calm and help soothe and contain her distress, she will learn that she can recover from feeling overwhelmed. Eventually she will be able to do this for herself, but she may need me to do this for longer than her older siblings did.
- Inner Critic: I know he’s capable of doing this. He’s just being lazy. Compassionate Voice: Chances are if he’s not doing something, his brain isn’t fully in gear yet or he’s feeling overwhelmed. I know that sometimes he’s going to act more mature than his age and sometimes he’s going to act half his age. That’s all normal and it’s important for me to not shame him for this. Eventually his more immature self will catch up.
- Inner Critic: He’s too sensitive. He’s too old to be having a meltdown about losing a game. Compassionate Voice: He’s more sensitive than the average kid and has a hard time regulating his emotions. He’s feeling out of control, and if I soothe him and show him how to soothe himself, he’ll learn how to tolerate his emotions better.
- Inner Critic: She’s so disrespectful and disobedient. I asked her to wash the dishes and she does about 5 minutes before starting an art project. The dishes are still sitting in the sink!
Compassionate Voice: She hates washing the dishes, and I know it’s easier for her to get distracted while doing something she doesn’t like. Washing the dishes is an important skill for her to learn, so I’m going to redirect her back to dishwashing. I can do this gently without assuming any ill intent on her part. I can help make it more motivating by joining her or rewarding her if she successfully finishes.
- Inner Critic: Why can’t he just calm down? It’s his own fault that he’s in this mess. If he just would have been more responsible and studied all week, he wouldn’t be panicking now.
Compassionate Voice: He feels a lot of pressure to do well in school, and when he feels anxious about something he tends to procrastinate. Shaming him and telling him what he should have done while he’s panicking is not going to help him feel more capable or confident right now. First, I need to help him contain his emotions and help him calm down. Then he’ll be able to think more clearly and we can work on a study plan together so that it feels more manageable. After the test is over, I can lead with curiosity and ask him questions about how he got to such a place of panic. Helping him reflect like this will give him a chance to plan ahead for the next time he feels overwhelmed by studying.