Part 2: Communication Styles Continued

If you haven’t already, start with Part 1 of this post to learn about passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive communication styles. Today we are focusing on the most effective communication style, assertiveness.

Assertive

“My needs matter and so do yours.”

Aim: Self-advocacy, Respect for others, Connection

 

An assertive communicator can balance the importance of speaking up for their own needs with respecting the needs and humanity of others. Where the other three communication styles operate from the perspective of a zero-sum game (either you get your needs met, or I do), assertiveness allows for a less competitive outcome. It creates space for both people to be heard and respected and allows for a solution that can take both parties into account. This communication style is the most effective because it avoids defense mechanisms like projection, blaming, or defensiveness that muddy the waters. Assertiveness takes a direct and honest approach by communicating the deeper meaning below the surface, and it combats a black and white view of the world.

 

Conflict is a little bit like an iceberg. There is a small part that is visible above the water’s surface. This is the part of the conflict that tends to be addressed in passive, passive-aggressive, and aggressive communication styles. It is surface level and allows us to keep our defenses up. However, those defenses create a wall that fosters anger and hurt feelings. But the part of the iceberg seen floating above the water is only a small fraction of the iceberg itself. The vast majority of its mass lies below the water’s surface and requires more work and commitment to uncover. In conflict, this part of the iceberg is the heart of the matter. When you get jealous about your best friend spending more time with someone else, your first instinct might be to belittle the other person to your friend (anger/aggression – above the surface). However, the heart of the matter is that you miss your friend, and you’re worried you might lose her (fear/loneliness – below the surface). We can communicate from the tip of the iceberg all we want, but it will end up having counterproductive consequences. Anger, defensiveness, or denial will end up pushing the people we love away when what we really want is to bring them closer. Assertiveness provides us a pathway to be vulnerable, to communicate what’s below the surface. When we do this, the people we love will generally want to lean in and meet us in our need.

 

What Assertive Style Sounds Like:

• When you do _______, I feel ___________.
• I’m sorry for hurting your feelings.
• It’s hard for me when…
• You seem angry. Is there something going on?
• I’m sorry, I’m not able to make that work. Can we figure out something that would work for both of us?
• I like when you…
• Help me understand your point of view. 
• I want to hear what you’re saying, but that tone feels very critical. Can you say it another way?
• Absence of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.

 

Pros of an Assertive Style:

• Protects your needs
• Protects the other person’s needs
• Doesn’t deepen rifts or escalate conflict
• Can navigate conflict more quickly and effectively
• Can communicate the heart of the matter

 

Cons of an Assertive Style:

• Requires vulnerability and strong emotional regulation skills
• Hard to maintain assertiveness when the other person is using a less effective style

 

Characters and Figures with an Assertive Style:

• • Sydney Bristow, Alias 
  • Motormouth Maybelle, Hairspray

• Martin Luther King, Jr., “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.” Letter from Birmingham, Alabama jail, April 16, 1963.

• Mel Monroe, Virgin River

• Jane, Jane the Virgin

• Keeley Jones, Ted Lasso

• Belle, Beauty and the Beast

 

Now that you’ve got a grasp on the four communication styles, it’s time to apply it. Do some soul searching: What communication style best describes you? Do you use different styles with different people? How do you feel when you use your preferred communication style? What benefits has it brought you? What has it cost you? The first step toward more effective communication is self-awareness. Hopefully this post can aid you in becoming better acquainted with you. Once you gain some awareness, you can start practicing that assertive communication style. Start with the examples above and apply them to a recent conflict you had. Identify the assertive people in your life and watch what they do. And if you find yourself having a lot of resistance to accessing assertiveness, there could be real roadblocks in the way: not growing up with it, having a black and white way of looking at the world, living in an aggressive environment, chronically being in a defensive state, etc. Therapy can be a great way to dismantle those roadblocks and work towards a more effective way of communicating. At the Couch Method, we have many qualified and compassionate therapists who would love to help you with your relational goals. Give us a call to see if we’d be a good fit for you!

 

Reference:

https://thepowermoves.com/communication-styles/