Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse Part 2
Like most kids who grow up near lakes, I took swimming lessons at an early age. They teach you enough basic strokes to stay afloat and warn you of the most common dangers to swimmers so that you can have a safe and enjoyable day in the water. One of these common dangers is getting too close to another swimmer who is starting to drown. When we see someone in danger, our first response is often to move closer and help. But if someone near you is drowning, this instinct can be deadly. If you get too close without any sort of flotation device, the person drowning will cling to you in their panic to stay afloat and end up dragging even the strongest swimmers down with them. Instead, you are taught to toss them a floatie or to reach toward them with the floatie between you so that they grab it and not you. I’m going to call this the drowning principle. The drowning principle applies to a lot more than just swimming. It can teach us a lot about how to have healthy relationships and shed light on why some relationships are so unhealthy.
In any healthy relationship there is a dynamic balance between separateness and oneness that allows for both intimacy (closeness) and agency (individuality). Too much separateness results in two fully developed and independent people who lack intimacy. Too much oneness creates an enmeshment where one person is consumed by whatever is going on with their partner and vice versa. Just like the drowning principle, if we are too close to our partners when they start to panic or fall into a depression or become enraged (a.k.a when they are drowning), we will get sucked under with them and be no better off ourselves. This is what happens in codependent relationships. We don’t have enough distance or differentiation to keep our own head above water. Boundaries are that flotation device. They are that safe distance allowing us to be near our loved ones when they struggle without being overwhelmed ourselves.
You may be thinking, “This sounds a lot like a post about boundaries. What does this have to do with narcissism?” Great question! It is a post about both because all of the tactics that a narcissist uses to maintain control over you violate your boundaries. Here’s an analogy about counterfeit money to help make this clearer. There are thousands of ways that counterfeit money can deviate from the real thing. It would be impossible to be familiar with them all. Instead, people who are experts spend hours upon hours studying the real thing so that when they come across a counterfeit, they can spot it right away. I think the same approach is helpful with relationships. If you spend hours discussing, exploring, and learning about what healthy boundaries look like, you will be able to spot unhealthy boundaries pretty easily. And narcissists are kings and queens of unhealthy boundaries.
In a previous post, I laid the groundwork for better understanding what narcissism is and how it shows up. Today I want to go a little deeper. We will take a look at the specific tactics that narcissists use to suck you in and pull you under (a.k.a. to violate your boundaries). Recognizing a narcissist, like a counterfeit, is important. But it takes practice. It’s easy to be fooled while you’re still learning what the real thing looks like. That’s why it’s equally important to be able to recognize a narcissist by how their tactics make you feel. You may not be familiar with every iteration of narcissistic behavior, but you do spend all day everyday with yourself. You have a lot of experience with your own thoughts and feelings. Being in tune with those internal reactions can be a barometer for you as you try to spot the narcissism that you encounter. Because of this, we will also explore how narcissism impacts you.
The Tactics of a Narcissist: Preserving the Idealized Self-Image at All Costs**
Remember from part 1 of this series that narcissists are very concerned with their self-image. This oversimplified view of themselves as all good and all-powerful helps shield their fragile senses of self. Thus, this self-image must be preserved at all costs. Here are the main tactics narcissists use when that idealized self-image is under threat and the emotions you might feel because of them:
· Emotional Manipulation —> Hurt, Confusion
Every tactic I mention here is some sort of emotional manipulation. Rather than using empathy to connect with you emotionally, a narcissist will use your emotions and your empathy as a weapon to manipulate you into doing what they want. This manipulation can be premeditated or reactive. Part of being human means caring about others, longing for connection, and wanting to be loved. Those longings are points of vulnerability. That’s why it hurts so much when we get rejected or when a relationship goes south. Those are the most tender parts of us, and they need to be handled with care. When we show those parts of ourselves to other caring, loving, and longing individuals it can be a source of great joy and strength in our lives. But, in the hands of a narcissist, those longings and impulses to care for others will be exploited. They are the loose thread that will be targeted in order to unravel us completely.
· Gaslighting —> Insecurity, Helplessness
Think of this as an allergy to taking responsibility or accountability. When a narcissist is confronted with their inconsistency, untruth, or mistake, they twist the situation back onto you. It becomes your fault. This is also known as projecting. The thing that they can’t tolerate to hear about themselves, they project back onto you so that they can play the victim. For example, you might have a conversation with your narcissistic partner about getting ready to have company over. You divvy up responsibilities, and he agrees to pick up flowers and a few other essentials from the store beforehand. The time for company rolls around and he hasn’t picked up anything from the store. You confront him. He denies ever agreeing to it. Moreover, he calls you scatterbrained and disorganized for not being able to manage it all on your own. Gaslighting is crazymaking. When you are interacting with someone who is constantly and confidently denying your reality, you, like any average person, will begin to question reality yourself. You start to feel like you can’t trust your own experience and your own judgment. The narcissist will silence your internal alarm bell that is telling you something is off. This is an overt attempt at cutting you off from your own internal barometer so that you buy into his delusional reality. Remember, the narcissist is codependent. He can’t stand the distance that a healthy boundary brings. Gaslighting slowly erodes that boundary of your gut response until you are codependent, swimming next to a drowning person without a floatie.
· Demeaning —> Shame, Guilt
If gaslighting can be an evasion tactic, demeaning is a direct frontal assault. A narcissist will bully you, insult you, question your intelligence, integrity, and competence. She will do it privately or in front of others. For example, a narcissistic mother might criticize you for being too fat and tell you that’s why no one wants to date you. Or a narcissistic friend might tell you that she is the only one who will be your friend. Everybody else hates you and thinks you’re boring. Being demeaned will leave you feeling guilty and ashamed. It can feel like a pit in your stomach, or like all the strength draining out of your limbs. It can leave you feeling anxious and make you want to work harder to earn their favorable opinion. It can leave you feeling powerless, hopeless to be any different or do any better. Eventually, you begin to believe the narcissist’s narrative about you until you truly feel less than. You might feel invisible or insignificant, like nothing you do matters, like nobody will ever notice your successes. Remember when we were talking about gaslighting? They take all their insecurities about themselves and make you the container. It shifts the power differential and helps them hold onto the delusion that they are amazing and that you need them.
· Coercive Control —> Anger, Powerlessness
A hallmark of any narcissistic relationship is coercive control. Narcissists need to protect their fragile self-image and keep you close at the same time. They need to be able to control the narrative and control you. They will use threats, blackmail, and use force to get you to do what they want. For example, you might try to set a boundary with your narcissistic partner and tell him you need space or that you want to leave. He might threaten to tell your friends and coworkers about sexual acts that you’ve performed or scream at you and scare you into staying. In the face of coercive control, initially you might feel angry or resentful. On the other hand, just the opposite might happen. Your narcissistic partner might use something that you really care about (longing for love, fear of rejection) as a means of exercising power and control. If they are disappointed by something you did, they will often make threats to end the relationship themselves. But, the difference between when they say it and when you say it is that they don’t really mean it. They don’t really want the relationship to end, but in anger they desperately leverage your need for the relationship to maintain control over you. Narcissists don’t want the relationship to end. Ever. Over time, you might begin to feel stuck or trapped. You don’t want to stay, but you’re afraid to leave. Or you’re enduring the bad and holding out for the next time they shower you with love and apologies. Coercive control ignores that you are a person with your own needs. It is an attempt to break your spirit and fold you into one big codependent mass with the narcissist. Like a parasite with a host, a narcissist will break down all your defenses, feeding off you and using you to stay alive.
· Love bombing —> Connected, Loved, Uneasy
Narcissists often use this tactic early in a relationship. But it can also show up throughout the relationship as a way of maintaining that power and control. It is the way they can get past your defenses enough to start showing their true colors while not also scaring you off. It’s a gradual process that sneaks up on you before you realize it. Like the adage about putting a frog in boiling water, if a narcissist led with threats, blackmail, or force most people would run for the hills. Apparently, the way to boil a frog is to put it in a pot of room temperature water and heat the water with the frog inside. The water heats up slowly enough that Kermit doesn’t notice until it’s too late. In the same way, a narcissist will start off by showering you with love and affection, bring you gifts, promise you the moon, and seem to share your hopes and dreams. When she starts to rage at you or cut you down, you experience it within the larger context of a seemingly loving relationship and are more likely to excuse it. Love bombing can make you feel seen, loved, appreciated and wanted. It can feel like the fulfillment of your wildest dreams. The longing to be seen, known, and pursued is a powerful motivator that can blind us to a host of bad behaviors. The power of those longings in the hands of a narcissist can make us feel trapped and powerless. It works a bit like a slot machine. The reason slot machines can be so addictive is that they take advantage of how our pleasure and reward systems work in our brains. When we do something, and we get the same reward every time, our brain learns that we can count on that reward, and we don’t worry much about it. But, if there is a really great reward, like winning the jackpot, and if every 10 times you play, you get a smaller reward, like winning $20 or $100, your brain is going to get just enough pleasure from that reward to keep the taste for it alive. You don’t know when it’s coming next, but you stay alert and keep playing in the hopes that it will be soon. Love bombing works the same way, and it’s a form of gaslighting. All the apologies and promises to change, the gifts and the attentiveness after a fight, give you just enough of a taste of the intimacy and attunement you crave to keep you hooked. Love bombing is way of maintaining control over you, but it’s also for them. A narcissist also wants closeness. Ensuring that you will stick around gives them security too.
Do any of these tactics sound familiar? Do you find yourself feeling stuck in a relationship and powerless to do anything about it? It may be a sign that you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse. In future posts, we discuss what to do about it, but for now the important thing is to recognize it and start putting language to your experience. For more details on what these tactics look and sound like, check out the Power and Control wheel. If you’re looking for more long-term support, and you want to work through the impact of having a narcissist in your life, consider weekly therapy sessions. At the Couch Method, we specialize in personality disorders and can help you meet your mental health goals. Wherever you are in your mental health journey, thanks for reading and taking the time to learn more. A more informed you is a more empowered you!
** This post just scratches the surface of narcissism and is a combination of information I’ve gleaned in my own practice, consultation with other more experienced professionals, as well as exposure to a lot of media related to cults and famous narcissists. American psychologist Dr.
Ramani Durvasula’s work has helped me sort through my wealth of exposure and organize it into a more reliable knowledge base. To learn more about narcissism check out Dr. Ramani’s website.